I'd like to apologize for the tardiness of this post but I was delayed by 1) my laptop battery gave up the ghost and 2) I discovered Twin Peaks on Netflix.
I really connected with Kelly's book on a personal level in Chapter 6. This was a chapter for me and it opened with a line of relief "... the delight and dedication which is motherhood. This is a secret society which words cannot touch, but the heart holds dear." Since I have felt my child moving around, I realized how special pregnancy is. Even those who put their hand on my belly at just the right moment couldn't understand the sensation of an internal kick. This was a time when she is active and moving and alive and only I could hold her and experience her. Her kicks and jabs were between us, like a little secret and this little secret could only be understood by other women who have gone through pregnancy. Naturally, I thought I was jumping the gun and over thinking this into something way more magical than it was. (After all, statistically speaking, how many women are mothers?) Sitting at my kitchen counter at 4 AM eating a spelt pita with almond butter, reading Chapter 6, I smiled. No, I'm right on the money, motherhood from the get go is truly unique and magical! Kelly Cutrone said so.
The funny thing about pregnancy - and I've heard other women say this as well as Kelly - is that you actually get hit on MORE by men around you. It happens absolutely everywhere and it's not guys just being nice to a pregnant lady. This is independent of weight gain, a wedding band or your skin/hair/boob reaction to hormonal changes. Men are attracted to moms-to-be. My boss attributed this phenomenon to pregnancy being the ultimate 'can't have' that makes men want to work even harder to get this woman's attention. I say that men can smell the estrogen and are inevitably attracted to pregnant women who are filled with it. But if men are driven by the instinct to procreate, it's like "Dude, you realize you can't get me any more pregnant, right?"
I think an important point to disclose is that this child was very much planned and I've had a few "false starts" for no apparent reason. So since this one stuck around, I like to think that I'm a little more dedicated to ensuring a healthier pregnancy. For example, I don't eat fast food or sweets and I actually let my trainer sell me on making this pumpkin & flax mug cake that tastes exactly like flax. (I'm only up 20 lbs, yay!) Beyond diet and exercise, watching several delivery videos and fending off suitors lusting after my hormones, I've been thinking a lot about how to raise my child to be a good human being, with a strong work ethic and love for the arts, athletics, nature and world travel, who aims high and is a healthy, productive member of society without projecting my own unfulfilled dreams on her. I mean really, that's all I want.
My mother likes to say that children are simply guests passing through and will choose their own path. In the first episode of Kell on Earth, Kelly echoes the sentiment saying that as a mother to her child she is just "babysitting her for God."
Before I get into my dilemma, I want to make something clear. I don't like to be called a "control freak" - I prefer the term "control enthusiast." After all, everyone needs a hobby right? So as much as I believe in just doing your best, I need to make sure that my best is good enough.
In his stand up special (also on Netflix - see a pattern here?) Weirdo, Childish Gambino/Donald Glover says that there are two things that make a good person: empathy and sympathy. Yes, that hits the nail right on the head! However, in a competitive, self-centered society that has overused the words "depressed" and "stressed" to the point of suspicion, I find these particularly difficult to teach. There are just so many forces pushing from both sides: from the fast food industry paddling corn syrup to the government paddling relaxed food standards, the revealing fashion trends offset by a dose of slut shaming, the judgmental cash hungry shark culture at odds with the clan of entitled mediocrity.
What I mean is striking a balance for survival. I don't want my daughter to lose faith in the world when she learns about war and hunger and rape and racism/sexism and disease and lack of indictments for certain police officers. But I also want her to understand that these things exist, that she can and should work to improve them and that on the aggregate, her life is awesome. I want her to be competitive, hardworking and confident without being cruel and arrogant. I'd like for her to embrace her femininity on her own terms, without it becoming her best selling point. She should be able to eat one brownie, enjoy it and go on with her day. I want her to make a contribution to the world but not feel like she owes something to everyone. I'd like for her to cry if she has to go outside but not hold everything in, waiting to freak out when someone spills juice. She should listen and try to help people, but also have a bull shit filter and not become a gullible doormat.
I don't want it to seem like I have anxiety over this. I don't. This is something that I think about a lot because I like to plan. I know I'll have to cut the metaphorical umbilical cord and that I won't be able to hold her hand as she walks through everything. She'll have to be an independent person making her own choices, I get that. But if God has blessed me with membership to this secret society, with this special little human being to watch over, how do I make sure I'm not a shit babysitter?
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